Notes: not a happy fic, mention of depression and suicide, first person POV of the loss of a partner.
We All Fall Down
It hurts. It hurts that you couldn't come to me, and tell me what you were going through. Instead you pushed me away. You left me alone on the outside of what I'd come to know and love. The 'us' I held so dearly, slowly crumbled away until nothing remained. We were just two people going through the motions, pretending there was still something worth staying for. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Two years ago I thought I'd found everything I'd ever want or need. You were perfect, and you looked at me through those beautiful blue eyes as if I was perfect too. I felt like I was the luckiest guy on the face of the earth to have found a man like you.
You were always the strong one, and that's why this is so hard to understand. You were the one who held my hand at my grandma's funeral, who stroked my hair and told me everything was going to be okay, when redundancies hit my office, and it was you who told me you'd always be there to catch me if I fell. I guess you lied on that last one, because you're not here. You went and left me for real this time. There's no coming back. No more chances. You're gone. I lost you, came home to find you submerged in a bathtub of red. I'm not sure I'll ever really understand. I've read the words you left behind over and over again, but it makes no sense. You said you loved me and that you always had, and yet you let things between us deteriorate so much. What did you think you were doing? Protecting me from the mess inside your head? Well, you did a crappy job.
Your parents blame me. They tell me I should have known you were depressed. I should have seen you were so close to losing it. I should have saved you. But how was I supposed to know? Every time I spoke to you it would end in an argument. I thought maybe you didn't love me anymore. Maybe you were calling time on us. Your friends and family could barely look at me as we stood side by side in a parade of black suits and dresses. I hated every minute, and because of it I started to hate you. I shouldn't feel like that. Not about you. I just wish you'd have come to me, talked to me. If you loved me as much as you said, then you would have. Maybe we could have found a way through this, the two of us together. But instead you went and did this, you stupid, stupid man.